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Learning to Say No: The Career Skill They Never Taught You at Uni
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There's a bloke in my office who says yes to everything. Absolutely everything. Coffee runs, weekend overtime, covering for sick colleagues, organising the Christmas party, and probably washing the boss's car if asked nicely. He's been doing this for eight years straight, and guess what? He's still in exactly the same position he started in, only now with stress-induced eczema and a divorce settlement to boot.
I learnt the hard way that being the "yes person" doesn't make you indispensable—it makes you exploitable.
Twenty-three years ago, fresh out of my business degree at QUT, I thought saying yes to everything would fast-track my career. What actually happened was I became the office doormat with a fancy title. It took burning out so badly that I couldn't get out of bed for three weeks to realise that "no" isn't a dirty word—it's a survival skill.
The Yes Trap is Real (And It's Bloody Expensive)
Here's something that'll shock the people-pleasers among you: saying no actually makes you more valuable, not less. When you're selective about what you take on, the things you do say yes to get your full attention and expertise. Quality over quantity isn't just a manufacturing principle—it's a career strategy.
I've watched too many talented people sabotage themselves by taking on every project, favour, and responsibility that comes their way. They become jacks-of-all-trades and masters of none. Meanwhile, the person who says "I can't take that on right now, but I can tackle it properly next month" gets promoted.
The maths is simple. If you're working at 40% capacity on ten projects, you're delivering mediocre results across the board. But if you're working at 100% capacity on four carefully chosen projects, you're delivering excellence that people notice and remember.
Why We Can't Say No (Spoiler: It's Not What You Think)
Most people think they can't say no because they're "too nice" or "don't want to let people down." Bollocks. The real reason most of us struggle with no is fear—fear of missing out, fear of disappointing others, fear of being seen as difficult or unhelpful.
I spent years saying yes to every networking event, every industry conference, every "quick coffee catch-up" that came my way. I was terrified that the one meeting I skipped would be the one that changed my career. What actually happened was I spread myself so thin that I was practically invisible at the events I did attend.
The breakthrough came when my mentor (shoutout to Margaret from Brisbane—absolute legend) told me something that changed everything: "Andrew, you're not saying yes because you're generous. You're saying yes because you're scared."
She was right. I was using busyness as a security blanket.
The Australian Way of Saying No
We Aussies have a particular challenge with saying no because we're culturally programmed to be helpful and fair dinkum. "She'll be right, mate" isn't just a saying—it's our default response to everything. But here's the thing: sometimes she won't be right if you keep taking on more than you can handle.
The trick is learning to say no in a way that's authentically Australian—direct but not rude, helpful even when you can't help. Here are some phrases that actually work:
"I'd love to help, but I'm flat out with the Morrison project until Thursday. Can we revisit this next week?"
"That sounds like a ripper opportunity, but I've already committed to three major deadlines this month. I wouldn't be able to give it the attention it deserves."
"I'm not the right person for this one, mate, but have you spoken to Sarah? She's brilliant with these kinds of challenges."
Notice what these responses do? They acknowledge the request, explain your position without over-explaining, and often provide an alternative. No guilt, no drama, no burning bridges.
The Workplace Abuse Connection
Here's where this gets serious. I've seen too many workplaces where the inability to say no becomes a form of workplace abuse. Not the obvious kind—the subtle, insidious kind where one person's workload grows and grows until they're essentially doing two jobs for one salary.
I remember working with a client in Perth—brilliant woman, absolute gun at her job—who was handling her role plus covering for a position that had been "temporarily" vacant for eighteen months. When she finally learned to push back, management suddenly found the budget to hire someone new. Funny how that works.
The reality is, if your workplace can't function without you saying yes to unreasonable demands, that's a management problem, not a you problem. Learning proper supervision skills should prevent these situations from developing in the first place.
When Yes Makes Sense
Before you go full-hermit and start saying no to everything, let's be clear: strategic yeses are still important. Say yes when:
- The opportunity genuinely aligns with your career goals
- You have the actual capacity to do it well
- It involves learning a skill you need
- It builds relationships with people who matter
- You're genuinely passionate about the cause
I said yes to mentoring junior consultants even when I was swamped because it energised me and built skills I needed for management. I said no to organising office social events because they drained me and weren't moving my career forward.
The difference? Intentionality.
The Domino Effect of No
Something interesting happens when you start saying no strategically—other people start taking you more seriously. It's counterintuitive, but scarcity creates value. When your yes means something, people pay attention.
I've got a mate who runs a consulting firm in Sydney. He's notorious for saying no to projects that don't meet his criteria. Guess what? Clients pay his premium rates and wait for his availability because they know when he says yes, he's all in.
This works at every level. The admin assistant who's selective about which "urgent" requests she drops everything for becomes the one whose opinion carries weight when she says something actually is urgent.
The Email That Changed My Career
In 2019, I got an email that would have made the old me wet himself with excitement. A major corporation wanted me to lead a six-month training project across four states. Huge budget, high profile, the works.
I said no.
The project would have required me to be away from home for 60% of the time during my daughter's final year of high school. The money was tempting, but the cost was too high.
Six months later, they came back with a different proposal—same scope, but structured as remote delivery with quarterly face-to-face sessions. Better money, better work-life balance, and I didn't have to miss my daughter's graduation.
Sometimes saying no to good opportunities creates space for great ones.
The Practical Stuff
Let's get tactical. Here's how to actually implement this:
Start small. Don't begin by saying no to your boss's pet project. Start with smaller requests—covering someone's shift, attending optional meetings, taking on minor admin tasks.
Develop standard responses. Have a few polite but firm phrases ready to go. Practice them in the mirror if you have to. When you're put on the spot, you'll default to your practiced response instead of your people-pleasing instincts.
Delay when possible. "Let me check my calendar and get back to you" buys you thinking time. Use it.
Track your requests. For one week, write down every request you receive and whether you said yes or no. You'll be shocked at how much you're taking on.
The Guilt Factor
Let's address the elephant in the room—guilt. You're going to feel guilty when you start saying no, especially if you've been the office yes-person for years. That's normal. Feel the guilt, acknowledge it, then do what's right for your career and wellbeing anyway.
Guilt is not a reliable indicator of whether you're making the right decision. It's often just evidence that you're changing a pattern that wasn't serving you.
I still feel a twinge of guilt when I turn down requests from people I respect. The difference is, I don't let that guilt make my decisions for me anymore.
The Bottom Line
Learning to say no isn't about becoming selfish or difficult. It's about becoming intentional with your time, energy, and career. It's about recognising that your ability to help others depends on your ability to help yourself first.
The most successful people I know aren't the ones who say yes to everything—they're the ones who say no to almost everything so they can say yes brilliantly to the things that matter.
Your career isn't a charity. Stop treating it like one.
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